Thursday, June 27, 2013

In the End | Personal

Step one:  get in the car.
Step two:  turn on the car.
Step three:  drive away and take a deep breath.
Step four:  calm down or you won't be able to see with the tears blinding your eyes.

I tried making room for happiness in my heart, contempt, visions for our future and... it wasn't working.  I tried picturing it with and an open heart and light, but in the end I couldn't.  I tried moving forward with the love he had for me and being excited at the prospect of us sharing our lives together solely on that love, but I couldn't.  Letting go was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and reliving that moment in my mind kills me every time.  There is no escaping the memory, the heartache I created, the betrayal he must feel from me.  A beautiful friendship that ended in sadness and shattered dreams.  Hearing the words "I want the best for you" angered him beyond belief and I understood it.  I stood there and took it; the pain and the hurtful words that came out of his mouth because I knew that was how he would process this new knowledge.

When you love somebody you want the best for them and that's the damn truth.  Letting go of someone because you know it's the right thing to do by them and yourself is easier said than done.  How do you make that decision with strength, courage and certainty?  It's a difficult one to make and my heart hasn't been the same since, but I know it was the right one.  It took some time to realize what I was feeling and what I had to do.  It took digging deep and being 100% honest with myself, which is never fun.  Realizing someone isn't "the one" is an awful feeling.   I rather live blissfully in denial and wallow in the delicious sadness later.  However, that level of selfishness is unacceptable in my eyes and therefore, I didn't allow myself to keep my eyes closed another second.

I'm trying to take my own advice and be strong.  Every time I feel myself taking a step back I reach out to a friend for comfort or think of things I have to look forward to or take a walk with my camera.  Thoughts of what could have been still cross my mind and the guilt I feel is sometimes too much to take.  One day at a time is what I keep telling myself.  

In the end:
Everything is going to be ok.  I feel it in my bones.  I pray for his forgiving heart one day and in the meantime I will be taking baby steps...

Step one:  get dressed
Step two:  eat something
Step three:  take a drive
Step four:  create...


1 comment:

  1. Baby steps indeed. It's perfectly natural and healthy to look back on a relationship and wonder "what if?" And to feel responsible for causing hurt can sometimes be more excruciating than being on the receiving end. The guilt can be overwhelming. And that's natural too. But sometimes it's these decisions that help you define the person you are meant to become. You have to make decisions that make YOU a better, more fulfilled, and happier person. No compromises. When someone says "I want what's best for you" it can come off as a self serving agenda of "I'm what's best for you." Sometimes what's best for someone is to let that person go so that they can find their place in the world, their niche. You're finding your niche, and you will be happier when you find it. And hopefully if he means what he says, he will be happy for you too.